Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Story #29 THE UGLY DISFIGURED REDNECK VAMPIRES

Prompt #29 was s to have fun with a carpentry accident. I started out writing about a carpenter but thought it would be more fun to write about an exterminator instead since that is what I do. So I went back and changed carpenter to exterminator and got a little kick out of it. From there it took off and I ended up creating a fellow named Judd Crudd exterminator extraordinaire except he ain't that extraordinaire but he is to the vampire community. This is a pretty goofy one.

So. Meet Judd Crudd





THE UGLY DISFIGURED REDNECK VAMPIRES


Judd Crudd was an exterminator extraordinaire for Dracula
and his redneck vampire night cleaning crew. His job
was to maintain the coffins in the castle keeping
them free of bedbugs.
This is how he did it.
Though he really wasn't an exterminator
extraordinaire which was really
why he was the cheapest. But he did seem to be the only
one interested in the job. No other exterminators
wanted anything to do with Dracula and his vampire
cleaning crew, even though he paid a handsome
price. Eternal life.
One bite was all one had to endure and eternal life
would be theirs. Of course you'd have to live
out the rest of your days as a vampire drinking
blood and chasing beautiful women and have
your way with them while their sleeping.
That didn't seem like such a bad gig.
Sadly, no other exterminator thought it was worth
it. Cept for Judd.
But with a last name like Crudd
who wouldn't?
They called him exterminator extraordinaire
but really he wasn't that extraordinaire.
More like Cruddinaire
or flopanaire.
Mostly, Clutzanaire.
After all he did fly his space ship into the window of the castle shattering
glass upon his arrival.
Which started a fire.
Because it was still daylight the vampires were sleeping.
Thank God.
But the fire was spreading and spreading quick.
The top floor was burnt and the fire was moving
to the next level. Crudd was afraid the vampires
would die in their sleep of smoke inhalation.
He had to wake them up and get them out of there
if he had any chance of this eternal life thing.
He had a hard time finding the stairs. There was an elevator
but he was too afraid to take it.
Everything is this castle was hidden. Part of Drac's
plan in case of burglars that way they couldn't find
their way around.
Got lost.
Drac and his crew would find them wondering the passageways
lost.
Confused.
Then they would eat them
Call it a trap.
Judd tripped over one of the kiddie vampire's
rubber ball,
Fell to the floor
and found the stairs.
The stairs spiraled down and down.
Banging his head, cracking a few ribs.
Down down down he went
as if he were descending into the madness
of hell.
He landed on the bottom floor.
He called the fire department from his cell.
“You're where,'Sir?”
“Dracula's castle.”
“Ohh. We don't go there.”
Of course you don't.
What was I thinking?
His foot hit a small ball which caused him to trip
and he tumbled down the stairs.
All the way down.
All the way down.
Dracula's system kicked in releasing a fog
of co2 as it dispersed
from the ceiling extinguishing
the fire.
The Drac came out waving the smoke
with his hand. And a confederate flag.“What is all this commotion?”
The Drac had blood shot eyes
and held a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.
“You must be the exterminator.”
“I am. Judd Crudd. Exterminator extraordinaire.”
Crudd looked puzzled. “You're not the Count?”
“The real Count? No.” he laughed.
“What kind of vampires are you?”
“We're disfigured.”
The vampire started to cry. “We're so lonely and disgusted
with ourselves. Nobody is afraid of us.”
“Yeah, the outside world laughs at us,” the other said.
“That's why we like to stay here.”
All the other vampires flew down
as Alice Cooper played over the the
loudspeaker.
Black widow.
They all wore white T-shirts,
porky pig pot bellies
with lint dangling in the belly buttons.
Greasy John Deere caps.
In memory of Mama tattooed on hairy arms.
These were not like regular vampires at all.
He didn't know what kind of vampires they were.
Redneck vampires?
They bared their teeth.
Crooked.
Distorted.
Some missing.
Look like they couldn't even puncture a balloon.
He was sooooo disappointed.
I ain't gonna get eternal life like this.
“You gonna get rid of our bedbugs?”
“I am.”
All the vampires cheered.
He followed The Drac to his chambers.
Drac opened the lid to his coffin.
The bedbug was five times its size and sat in the middle of the red
silky lining.
It stood up on hind legs.
Hissed.
Baring teeth.
Vampire bedbugs.
He didn't know how to get rid of them kind. Not sure there was even
a way to do it.
Drac said. “These things have been tarin' us up. I don't know
who they think they are. We're the blood suckers. Not them.”
“I can see that.”
“Can you fix it?”
Drac raised his shirt revealing a nasty red rash
all over his stomach.
With bite marks and missing skin.
Not knowing what to do cause these bedbugs have been feeding
on vampires turned them into mutant insects
his Killzzzz spray wasn't going to work.
They were resistant.
Instead he grabbed the fire extinguisher from the wall
sprayed the open coffins, Freeze' m out.
then sprayed all the other vampires coffins
and inspected their linings.
When he was done they called him a genius
and were sorry they couldn't give him eternal life,
because their teeth weren't sharp enough to puncture
his neck.
“What a bout a syringe and do some kind of transfer.”
Drac shook his head. “Won't work. Throws the whole saliva thing
off. The puncture has to be a certain depth with the right amount
of saliva released.”
'We're sorry,” the others said.
However, they did come to the agreement and which would allow him to live
with them and spray their coffins on a regular basis and accept deliveries
and perform inspections as needed.
Life couldn't get any sweeter.
And at least once a week they would send him out the gate
to bring back a blood meal.
Now, he could do anything.
Unstoppable,
He was Judd Crudd. Exterminator Extraordinaire.












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