HATCHET HALL UNIVERSITY
Good evening everybody. I am principle Hacker. I'm glad you could join us here tonight at this wonderful celebration.
You'll have to excuse me. I'm not feeling very well today. It's been a long two weeks and I've got the slasher shakes. Please just bare with me. It's not easy going for such a long time without cutting me somebody.
At the stroke of Mid-Night these fine young men, and one woman, will become graduates of the one of the finest chopping schools in the world. There is no other school like this one. In order to enter this school one must demonstrate on one of our various victims that they can chop and slice and show no remorse and prove to our instructors that they have what it takes to be a chopper. Only the coldest of the coldest pass through. This is an extremely difficult school to graduate from. Each candidate has been put through extreme rigorous training to test their chopping abilities.
We test to see how they can handle the gruesomest of the gruesome without puking. Here they learn how to really chop chop chop and learn how to yank those entrails out of her victims which such skill it would make Charles Manson look like a sissy.
They learn how to decapitate and run a series of screaming heads though a shredder.
There is also several hours of intense classroom study and endless amounts of research as they learn which hatchets work the best for each specific tasks.
Each student spends several hours in each classroom learning various chopping skills, shredding and slice and dicing.
Then there's my personal favorite, the stabbing salon where they learn a variety of stabbing techniques.
Stabbing is not a very easy thing to learn how to do. Stabbing has to be exercised with extreme caution. Our candidates here learn where to stab to in order to get that 'Oh my god what just happened to me look' on their victims faces.
Then they must participate in the stabantholon where the one who stabs the most victims on campus whens the grand prize to a cruise ship of their choice where they can run amok and stab the victims of their choice,
During training, our students are not allowed to leave campus. Bedding and meals are provided here on site.
Which brings us to our culinary classes for those not interested in becoming choppers. We have the best culinary school in the country. With the instruction of world renowned chefs our students learn how to cook up a good meal of human liver and guts.
They learn how to slice off arms and legs at the joints, marinate and slow roast.
I hold here one of the finest of all chopping instruments that is used by the best of choppers. The Fasthawk Tactical Tomahawk at just 12.5” in length. This light weight hatchet is extremely sharp and can split a skull open with very little effort on the choppers part.
Each one of our candidates will be awarded one of these fine hatchets for them to take out with them when they start their business.
Please hold your applause until after I call the names please.
Ok. That's fine.
You. Yes you with the I love my slasher woman shirt. What did I just say?
I said quiet!
This is your final warning before I blow you all up.
Now, for the candidates.
The Tortoise Murderer. This is a fine young man who came in here fully equipped to kick butt and take names. He has worked hard, studied hard and killed the most victims on campus during the competition. And he did so in the most gruesome ways.
The Ghoul. The scariest of our choppers. Likes to dress up as a woman an doesn't look half bad if I say so myself.
The whale. The heaviest of our choppers and probably the slowest but he is definitely the strongest.
The wanted Ax Murder.
Sister Scissors. Her being a nun makes for a most excellent cover which allows her to get close to her victims.
Finally, we have the fast Food Killer. Not the healthiest of our killers but he is extremely fast. Even faster than Jimmy John fast. And that is fast.
Ladies and gentlemen, I now give you the graduates of Hatchet Hall.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Now, may you all go out and chop chop chop and slice n' dice with great pride. And I wish you all the best in all your future endeavors.
Now go out and kill some people.